April 18, 2026
Listen to hEARTSPACE by World Brain as you read to this. I’d like to update the world on what’s going on with me. I haven’t been in the creative spirit, at least not in the same way I used to be. Though the light is still in there, it’s been contained in a little box. Veiled by the need for other means of sustenance right now. I’ve been reading more. Living more. I have a new life. A new living situation. In a way, I’m starting over, but with some more knowledge than I did before.That's the cycle of life. That's becoming.
Driving down the I-17, and then the 101 South. I drive at night. To music blasting. Wind howling. Ringing in my ears. Cigarette smoke and ash flying around the car. I take a drag. The cool Arizona breeze. I can still feel the chill. There’s been moments of deep reflection. Moments of immense joy. Strong feelings of love. Attachment. Detachment. Lust and anguish. It’s a healthy thing. Becoming. The world flows through me, and I through it. There have been quiet moments on my front porch. Sitting in the heat, reading a book. Sleepless nights after being a bit naughty and taking some drug. Life has stabilized to some degree.
Being back with my family is important right now. I’m needed here, and I wish that I had stuck around earlier instead of leaving at 19 or so. I’m here now. It’s been difficult to find some footing in this new environment. I took some jobs that didn’t pan out the way I thought they would, so new circumstances and my misguided judgment has left me with little to no prospects. I’m on the search for a new horizon. Although music is there, and will always be there, I have been in search of material. I remember a Brian Wilson quote that went along the lines of “you can only make music when it comes bursting out of you. You can’t sit there and think about music.” And to be honest, I believe he had it right. I have been wanting to play guitar and write for me again. Write because it’s fun. The last few times I went to play an open mic, I had a bad time. I didn’t want to play. It just wasn’t fun. Although there was a recent show I played at Yucca Taproom on the 9th of April 2026 that I had a very good time at. I was greeted by some familiar faces and I was introduced to some nice folks. Shoutout to Cody James (@musicandwordsbycodyjames) for being a gent and playing a great show. That show gave me a bit of energy.
I guess it’s not that playing in general isn’t fun anymore. It’s the routiness of it. Going to an open mic, trying to come up with something every week, record it. Also being so worried about other factors like noise, repetition, my voice, the mix. Saying the same thing over and over, or not having anything to say at all. I haven’t had much of an urge to write lyrics. I haven’t the space to record either. No accessibility. I don’t feel too comfortable playing or writing here. I don’t even have money to pay for my car insurance. How could I write? But isn’t that exactly what I wanted? To have the time to write. It’s like I wasted that time a bit, but I just couldn’t bring myself to go into the shed to play and write music. I just wanted to drive around or sit down somewhere quiet and collect my thoughts. I drove to the library a lot in about March. I read some Fante books. Read some Sartre. Reading Zinn. Thinking I’m some type of fucking intellectual. I’m not. But I enjoy writing and collecting my thoughts through prose, and that’s been one way of killing the boredom. I’ve also been keeping a handwritten journal since January 2026. I haven’t written too much in there these past two weeks or so. I’ve been trying to teach myself Spanish with help of my girlfriend who doesn’t speak Spanish but still knows a little bit more than me.
I saw Corridos Ketamina with Tara last night. It was a nice little alley show for Viva Phoenix. We’re going out again tonight, April 18th 2026, to see them play at Walter Studios. I crave to be back in a place I was– not in the sense of clinging to the past, but in my material situation. But being that my grandparents are seriously advancing in age, and my Grandmother is hardly able to walk, and my Uncle Albert being unable to walk or take care of himself, has left me in a position to take care of them both. I’m needed here. My Grandfather is getting too old to work anymore. He’s sharp still, but he is nearly 80. I believed that when I was 19 that I would be with my ex-girlfriend Sam forever, and that we had it figured out. After we broke up, I thought I was able to make it on my own, but I see now how much I depended on her. Now I depend on my Grandparents, yet I have the power to create mutual relationships. Living with Sam, we depended on each other. We helped each other. I want to do that with my Grandparents, but I haven’t had the opportunity to yet. Financially speaking. I took a staging job that did not pan out the way I thought it would. Something didn’t feel right about it to me. I need something closer and more consistent.
I dunno. I want to build myself back up again. But as myself. Not as some idea. Just as me. Life carries on. I’m an open window. Let the breeze pass by. I can only hope for the best, and take my life, as it passes, by the balls. I am alive. I am rational. I am the master of my environment. I can change and morph the world to suit me. Despite all the variables and constant shifting of gears, I can only account for my own actions and their consequences. I'm feeling love again. I'm feeling strong.
Below, I left a little Spotify playlist with some songs I've been listening the past few days. If you don't have Spotify, the tracks are listed so you can search for them wherever you listen to music. It doesn't look like a link, but you can tap/click it and it will take you to Spotify.